Dread locked down his mane, Eric Montanez panhandles mass feeding orgies in broad daylight, free soup to hazy lazy crazies, those sap happy lushes of taxpayer expense. The mommy humping commie degrades McDonald’s- undercutting like a bris bargain basement sale, half off to mazal tov, selling out to God for the skin of the homeless. Oh, the humanity. Giving it away for free. Sodomizing Capitalism with a broomstick, going Gomorrah on John Locke’s wet dream.
Thank the Lord in Orlando, Florida, the official real estate of the National Mickey Mouse Socialite Party, you can get arrested for feeding the homeless. It makes sense. Give it up to the squirrels, and the whole world will wallow in squirrel crappy rap stars, gibbering and screwing and smoking dope in the park.
God gave us George Bush, making more homeless on earth than squirrels in the world. Feed bums for free, and they’ll rampage Disney, chase all the minivans to Milwaukee.
The official wording of an Orlando City Ordinance makes it illegal for a single person to feed more than 25 people for free. This means that Orlando food lines must have plenty of hands to handle the ladles. Every 25th down the gravy train makes a new shift and cigarette lift for the soup-kitchen lunch lady. Change hands, change brands, and a new person takes over to feed the hungry people for free.
But Montanez can’t play by the rules of a free market society; he’ll do just what the fuck, no thought to the economy or Disney’s national security, giving it up freely, like words, like turds, like bowl after bowl of pinko Commie gluttony.
So defending Capitalism in the name of Florida, donut dunking, toe-tapping gum shoes staked out his soup kitchen. Round the clock surveillance witnessed Montanez serve over 30 bowls of soup before Special Agents moved in, slapping his wrists slaphappy silly in a cuff-slapping happy spree. Bag lady narcs nabbed test tubes of soup for the boys at the crime lab, bagged and tagged like Dragnet in drag.
The Special Forces involved could fill a short bus on a trip to the zoo. At least a dozen cops took part in the soup kitchen field trip, small fries compared to the city’s spiraling crime problem. Faced with a whooping 49 murders last year, Orlando officials have asked for more than 75 additional police officers in the coming year. Let’s dress them like the homeless and put them on the frontline; serve to protect America one breadline at a time.
Sonny Crockett in thrift-store pajamas, Jesus Christ in latter-day flannel, Nick Nolte on a bad bender with an atomic blender, the homeless vice don johnson at night ‘cause the future’s so bright. Can’t afford a Super Value Happy Happy Meal? Up against the wall, unless you’d prefer to kneel.
But not even Tubbs reflecting Gucci in the slick midnight, nor ninjas slicing leotards in bright moonlight, could retard Montanez from his soup kitchen bitchin’. No FBI file could stop him; no prison sentence could make him get a job. Montanez feeds people freely like Anarchy is a free country. The pages of his Anarchist Cookbook are splattered with the blood of spaghetti sauce, recipes sticky with resins of benevolent substances.
In fact, just before his court appointed Judgment Day, the soup slut served lunch in the nearby park to children and puppies, moms and dads, your grandmother and her bull-dyke girlfriend, multitudes eating and laughing like being arrested for feeding people was the funniest thing they ever heard.
Not even the judge could keep a straight face. The judge acquitted Montanez, but told him to obey the law. Adults love to say stuff like that- whether you’ve just kissed a flagpole in zero-degree weather, second-amended Red Rider bb guns or fed hundreds of homeless people because you just can’t put your arms down.
But we know better. We know damn well if the law is ridiculous, break it like the wind, freely and loudly. Make the world break open a window for a breath of fresh air that doesn’t smell like underwear.
Conscientious objects. MLK, Gandhi, Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day danced like halos of moonlight in a diamond-studded night. They gave it up freely, nonviolently ultravioletly, shining bright against obnoxious, apathetic darkness, filling our dreams with light. It will be a great day when the people have all the food they need, and at least once a year, Disney lets all the bag ladies in for free.
